breathe in
breath out

there was many moments
caught
wondering about
this or
that

back to
breathe in
breathe out

Periods of time
numbing out my  mind
the day blurs there
impossible then to share
to be aware

back to
breathe in
breathe out

Identifing with judgement
identifying with thought
identifying with emotion

back to
the breathin
the breathe out...

I love living in SF bay area!  I know  other places do not have artists around fro several shows!  Bless this city!    I saw some of the regular peeps I had seen just this saturday,  but also some that I hadn't seen saturday. 

Kd shared his stories.  I love stories,  so his workshops really appeal to me.  one of them was a story about these two Sadus  who show up at the Ashram he lives in asking  to stay.  And Maharaji  tells them they can stay if they will sit in front of the hanuman temple and chant  "sita ram"  all day.   one day the westerners (that includes KD)  are standing around talking  near the sadus who are chanting "sita ram"  in front of the temple.   when one of them changes the rythm  of the chant, and the other joins excitedly.  pretty soon they are chanting some other things entirely different from what they had been instructed!   From across the courtyard  comes the loud voice of Maharaji saying  "sita ram!"   the sadu's  quickly revert back to theier original instructions.....KD is very animated and funny while sharing this story with us and there is a good deal of tittering in the crowd...

KD goes on to share with us what he learned from that event: :  "come back to the chant"  always come back to the chant.    I was thinking as he shared this how often i have been meditating for hours and then notice that i am actually sitting there daydreaming or making lists of things i have to do!   and how much that is the time to come back to the breath.  to noticing the breath....the chant serves as a meditation tool also.  How does one give themselves 100%  to what they are doing?  practice.  practice practice.    "Practice makes practitioners"  says one of my dear friends Maureen is fond of saying. 

And as the evening ended with the Hanuman Chalisa  and Sita Ram chant   I was deeply enjoying the sense love filling my being.   There is a point when I can chant "shree ram jai ram"  during the entire chalisa keeping in mind that hanuman would rather hear Rams name than his own  and simultaneously  allowing the praises to hanuman fill my conciousness.  I appreciate the skills of multi-tasking sometimes!   I still have a long ways to go,  but I am so grateful for these times of community, care and connection.

Went up to him afterwards,  not really to say anything.  Just to hold his hands look into his eyes and get a big hug.  thank you KD for sharing your light....

There is a fun phenomena I notice here:  I love Kirtan and go to many of the kirtan events that come into the bay area....after awhile I notice that there are many of us who do this.  We may not see each other any other time,  but we see each other at  events and know we are a part of the same community.  Some wave and some hug and some of us go out to lunch!

Last saturday was a go out to lunch for many of us!  how fun was that!  We sat listening to and asking Krishana Das (KD)  many questions and singing with him for hours and then...dinner....when was the last time  i was in a large group of 9 people  walkin got whole foods and a park ?  Its been awhile.  Overdue!  AND  to make it hilarious one of my friends, Andrew had just been celebrating the Dyke March the night before and still had painted nails and the blonde pig-tailed wig  and his music player in a basket!  oh how fun and silly that felt to walk up the street,  Michael Jackson playing out of our basket in a large group of people wearing malas, breaking form our day of sacred chanting.  It was the tribute to Michael we ment it to be as we saw many passersby smiling and appreciating the tunes and our good vibe.   Many moments of happiness and bliss flooded my system and ran through as I realized I was in the company of loved ones,  feeling held by the universe and each other. 

Each person that I knew in our group brought a smile to my face for the ways that they contribute themselves to life and to community.  Each person brings laughter, observation, experience, and connection to our vibration and contributes a bit of their life energy to every interaction,  wow.

Watching Andrew do handstands,  listening to each others stories about Michael Jackson,  sharing our learnings from the day with KD....ah  And enjoying the FIGS!  I am so grateful for figs!  We here in California are so blest to have amazing fruits!  

And speaking of KD,  i am always touched by his humor and humility.  It was the first time for one of my precious friends to come  to something like that evening and I was happy to have had it be KD.   He shares the ideas of kirtan with grace and humility and deep devotion and practice.  ah.     I leave with the sense that KD does exactly as he guru did/does: " love the people, serve the people, feed the people,  remember god."

Caught part of a movie this evening when I got home from work.   My sweetie was sprawled on the couch with two of our  other house mates.  At some point the main character says something like  "life is about who we love ,  not who loves us...."  something like that.   Got me thinking about it.   Could life be about how we choose to experience the love we put out, rather than the measure of how much love we get back in?  How about how we love and what we love?  these questions got me thinking and  something started to click into place.

I began to notice several things, one:  I have spent many years waiting for mr right  and  being frustrated that i can never seem to have that deep committed relationship i am always looking for.     I was running that story across a girlfriend last week and she said "you have that  Now.  You Are in a relationship and you are deeply committed..."   oh yea....its not about  him loving me in a particular way,  but the experience of my heart open and loving.  my own experience of commitment,  my own experience of love and gratitude.  However deeply i can open, is however deeply i will experience and if others cannot get on board with me that is not my responsibility.   I ponder,  can I open so deeply?  can I love so fearlessly?    I , who have been guarding her heart for so many years?  perhaps all of my life?   Am I willing to just SURRENDER to life and love and simply let it flow,  staying committed to my deepest desire:  to simply experience what it is that life has to offer? 

Another thing a noticed was  that  it has been a meditationthis week  to give back kind words when I am given harsh ones.   and i have begun to see a shift.  I am being given more kind words and less harshness,  more spaciousness and  more kindness.  It has been amazing.  Swami Satchidananda  says   "you dont make a friend.  you become a friend.  then you automatically will have friends.  if you relate to people in a very friendly, affectionate way, by loving and caring, sharing and helping, then naturally they will see you as a good friend"    I mean duh, on some level and on another level  I  think about it and I see the places where I am not a good friend.  the times when I approach life,  asking "what's in it for me?"  and not just being there for others.  simply giving what i have to give.  i have a friend who is very good at simply giving.  always,  he is asking,  can i do this or that for you or her or him....he thinks of doing things for you that you wouldn't even think of.   very thoughtful.  it has inspired me to dig a bit more,  to be a better friend,  to go out of my way to ease anothers burden,  simply because i can  and it brings me joy to ease life for others.

I am still thinking about these things and maybe I will have more insight,  and for now I am content to share this piece.   my heart  feels full right now  and i am most grateful in this moment.  May all beings be happy.

~SM

I am so inspired  everyttime I listen to this by Kathy Zavata and sing these words that I want to share them with everyone.  I am practicing them for a Kirtan....

With an open Heart
With an Empy Mind
With  a lot of Grace
Seek and You will Find...

go beyond the mind
leave who you were behind
discover whats Divine
Seek and You will Find...

find yourself
Find Yourself

When You feel Inspired
with only One Desire
yearning that's on Fire
Truth will be your Guide

when the Time is Right
when you give Your Life
to Knowing what is True

Truth will come to You

find yourself
Find Yourself

as open as the sky
asking Who am I
the Answer comes Inside
Seek and you will Find

let everything Go
let go of what you know
With Beginers Mind
Yourself,  you will find

find yourself
Find Yourself....

I am that I am
I am that I AM



Namaste

I have been pondering this one for years...always I seem to get stuck.  It always comes down to how to live?  Does this mean I am not to be attached to those I love?  that seems ridiculous,  but then the attachment seems to cause suffering....ah  Am I the only person struggling with this?  of course not.....and  I am always asking others to share their thoughts...they often seem as mystified as I.  Any thoughts?

so, I am reading the yoga sutras by patanjali  and in them he says in sutra 15: "the consciousness of self mastery in one who is free from craving for objects seen or heard about is nonattachement"   What?    I was not getting this at fist,  but as i read the interpretation more and thought about the other things I have been exposed to lately,  I have started to get some level of clarity around this a bit now I think.....

Once I was reading some very insightful bit on attachment from Pema Chodron, I think and I remember  thinking "oh!  I have been looking for this for years.."  but I was not in the place to have anything to mark it with and then couldn't find it....I began to wonder if it was a dream,  but I welcome any suggestions...

Perhaps it is not that we are not to have attachment or care for those in our lives,  but rather not to derive our identity from giving care and connection...as in:  this is me, mine, etc....remembering that these are our WORLDLY attachments and being willing to live in a clean way spiritually.   Of course we have worldly attachments,  and in living clean and in wholeness one can remember that  with love and care.    I am trying this on,  perhaps it will begin to help clarify things in my personal life.

I get a bit caught up there...it seems I am always trying to figure out how to relate to boyfriends  and end up remaining committment shy.  ah well.  Though my other experiment  is in  becoming less interested in my personal life and more interested in how to be of service in bringing happiness to others.

There seems to be something magical in that ability right now,  I took some of my attention and time and placed it on decorating and loving the house I live in right now.  We are a concius community...14 people  in a big house sharing our lives and care with each other.  ANd for the past 2 years I have been making everything about it wrong...too many people...to much drama...not enough spirituality,  etc...I noticed that I was not really LIVING here...  so I made this effort and BOOM...suddenly we are closer and talking more and caring more and interested more...I get that it wasn't just because I did such and such,  but that I am /we are the glue that makes things come together....

Recently,  thanks to an AMAZING education with Landmark Education,  and some amazing healing work with gifted healers,  AND a loving supportive community,  I woke up to my life and discovered that I was not living it to my fullest potential.  In fact,  I was talking   and daydreaming that I would "some day" be Leading a workshop on this or that,  when in fact I was simply talking about it quite a bit.   Dreaming about it.  Wishing I felt confident enought to.

One day I am sitting in class and we start talking about integrity and noticing weather or not we love our lives.  And wether we are producing the results we are committed to producing.   it seriously dawns on me that .....I am not doing any of the things I dream of,  in fact, I am quite ofetn feeling like I am never enough and that I don't know enough about anything or that i don't know anything to teach or share....

My attention is very focused in class at this point...is there going to be some way out of this mess I repeatedly find myself in?  I have no ideas....structure?  Did he (head coach) just say something  about structure?  He did.  He was speaking to one of my classmates who had not gotten any homework done and was asking how he could be more effective.  The coach responded telling him to get rid of his x box.  throw it out, sell it....whatever he had to do to change the  structures  in his life that held him in the same patterns of procrastinating behaviors...
my whole world began to shift in that moment...
suddenly,  i am day dreaming about moving away immediately and creating a new life...
and then i am wondering about my current life
and what the current structures are that hold me in place....

then and there  I  decided it was NOW time to create the life I want to live, to be the woman i always imagine I will be someday.

One of these is a yogi.  Now I am signed up in a yoga teacher training.  It is perfect.  I have cried many times in class feeling so deeply moved to have found something I love to listen to, talk about, and live....AND  I have the fortune to be accompanied by one of my roommates!  So I have a built in study partner at home!  Wow!

Now each week as I study Raja Yoga,   I am asked by my teacher to ponder things I have been pondering for years already!  And I get to take these wonderings to a deeper level than I ever have before...ah  happiness, community, remembering who I am.

welcoming myself back home to a world that i now embrace....

may it shine upon our hearts
and bless us to our fullest.